Criswell – Page 2 – The Criswell Mirror

26May By CriswellNo Comments

Op-Ed

Op-Ed: America Is Out of It’s Gourd

(A guest editorial by Mr. M. Headroom.) I’d like to address the growing t-t-trend of pumpkin obsession that has swept the nation. What is it about these orange orbs that has Americans so enthralled? Is it the so-called "magic" of carving jack-o’-lanterns? Is it the yummy g-g-goodness of pumpkin pie? Or is it the sheer amount of pumpkin-spice products available? Well, I’m here to tell you that this pumpkin mania is nothing more than a sham. Pumpkins are just a cheap excuse for fat Americans to once again engage in overindulgence and gluttony. They’re wasting their time and money on a fly-by-night fruit that’s about as useful as the cucumber’s chauffeur. They're still o-o-orange, guys. I mean, what the heck do you do with a pumpkin once Halloween is over-r-r? Stick it in...

22May By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

This Rookie Wookie Won’t Play Hookie

Bring a comb, Wrayyda! HAIRY! A new student from a galaxy far, far away has joined the ranks of human schoolchildren, but this one is not like the others. Meet Wrayyda, a 6-year-old Wookiee child who just started school in Chicago this month. The little one has big problems adjusting to her new surroundings. Wrayyda, who is trying to be the first Wookie to speak Basic, is having trouble communicating with her classmates. She can't help but shed her fur everywhere, too, which has caused quite a mess in the classroom. And, on top of that, she's much stronger than the other kids, causing chaos when she gets excited or angry. The 5'11" child, who can bench press a small Yugo, has already been banned from most sports during gym."It's like having a wild animal in the classroom," s...

21May By CriswellNo Comments

Op-Ed

COP STOLE MY VAPE

A Criswell Mirror GUEST EDITORIALby Victor Feck (aka “Vic Vapors”, aka “The Sesh”) Brave buzz-harshed local boy seeking justice. So when I was minding my own business at a local college bar last week, enjoying a nice vape session with my buds, the last thing I expected was to have my brand new Voopoo Drag 4 stolen out from under my face by a cop. But that's exactly what happened! As I was taking a hit, one of our fine local law enforcement officers walked by and saw me. He must have thought I was some kind of total criminal badass, or something, because he straight-up leaped at me like he was John Wick and snatched the vape out of my hands, did a tumble roll, and ran away with it. Whaaat?? At first, I was in shock, right? How could this happen? I was just enjoying a little vap...

Did you know that “Leisure Suit Larry” is based on a real man from 1978?

5May By CriswellNo Comments

History

Did you know that “Leisure Suit Larry” is based on a real man from 1978?

BACHELORIFIC! His name was Laurence Dixon, and he was a well-known playboy in the Chicagoland area. Dixon was well-known for his flashy fashion sense and his love of women. He had a reputation as a wanna-be ladies' man, always punching above his weight. (Often resulting in a black eye!) Dixon's risky, wild lifestyle eventually caught up with him, though, and he found himself run out of town by several angry husbands, barely skipping town with this pants intact. Laurence later died in 1982, later determined to have died from an undiagnosed sexual disease. He had no children, and no surviving family members. Real or pixelated -- you're a legend, Larry!

1May By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

Bob Hope Back From the Dead

HOPELESS! Bob Hope, the legendary comedian and actor, who had formerly passed away in 2003, has now been brought back to life by the Internal Revenue Service after failing to pay taxes. According to sources close to the situation, the IRS was not satisfied with Hope's failed attempts to settle his back taxes before his journey to the afterlife, so they worked with federal mages to raise him from the dead to face justice. When asked for comment, an IRS spokesperson stated that "Mr. Hope's failure to pay his fair share of taxes is unacceptable, and we will not let this go unpunished. Death is no longer a barrier to justice." The spokesperson went on to say that "the resurrection of Bob Hope is just the beginning of our efforts to hold accountable those who fail to meet their ta...

28Apr By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

Eminem: Franklin InFATuates!

Eminem with "Fat Stacks", his nickname for the founding father. POOR RICHARD! In the latest round of outrageous celebrity rumors, it has been alleged that famed rapper Eminem is obsessed with Benjamin Franklin’s fat rolls. The allegations surfaced when an anonymous source close to Eminem revealed that he had been secretly collecting images of the 18th-century statesman and his rotund physique for several years. The source claims that Eminem often spends hours poring over photos of Franklin, focusing intently on the excess folds of skin around his stomach, chest, and neck. According to the source, the rapper often mutters under his breath “Damn, those are some fine looking rolls” while examining the pictures. For now, Eminem has declined to comment on the rumors surrounding his...

27Apr By CriswellNo Comments

History

Bouncing Bastard Berlioz Bared!

Giant maid, Martin (left) sitting near Berlioz (right) in a sneaky paparazzi painting. CLASSIC LOUIS! Recently it's been uncovered that one of history’s greatest composers, Louis-Hector Berlioz, fathered an illegitimate child with his live-in maid! The shocking truth was discovered a century and a half after Berlioz's death in 1869 when a letter addressed to "my dear love" from a Elise Martin was found in his pants pocket. In the steamy letter, Martin confessed her deep love for him and also revealed that their affair resulted in the birth of a son named Armando. Berlioz never acknowledged the boy or publicly admitted to having an affair with Martin, but several of his friends stated that he visited her frequently and even left some money for her after his passing. This sca...

23Apr By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

Get the heck Gout of Here!

Wilfred's taking his miracle cure to the grave. LET IT ALL OUT! Wilfred Brimley, well-known actor, oatmeal shill, and spokesperson for diabeetus, has recently revealed how he cured himself of gout -- a painful form of arthritis affecting the joints in the feet. According to Wilfred, the secret lies in a family secret: a homeopathic remedy consisting of a mixture of ground ginger root, honey, and 100% pure apple cider vinegar. According to Wilfred, "This stuff is the bomb! It's cheap and easy to make, and it works like a charm! I'll take that recipe of ground ginger root, honey, and 100% pure apple cider vinegar to my grave!"

18Apr By CriswellNo Comments

The Sciences

Children Gone Mad

THE MOOO-SING LINK! Recent reports from around the United States have suggested that the consumption of sausages has been linked to increased instances of mad cow disease among school children. Studies conducted by a couple nutritionists during their lunch break have shown a correlation between eating large amounts of sausages and exhibiting symptoms such as involuntary dancing, compulsive mooing, and hallucinations involving cows and pigs. On Tuesday, the FDA decided to implement a temporary national ban on sausage sales until further research can be done. Those currently in possession of sausages have been advised to toss them in the bin.

15Apr By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

Stop Tickling the Morgan

PRICKLY! In 1986, former MASH TV actor Harry Morgan had a bad experience at his local grocery store when he encountered a fan who addressed him laughing loudly "HEY, IT'S HAIRY ORGAN!" The comment was made in a joking manner but it violently angered Mr. Morgan who quickly snapped back, "That's enough of that! You can be nice or you can be gone!! My name is not Hairy Organ! What the hell is wrong with you?" After this incident, the actor became much more cautious about dealing with fans. He later said, “I used to be very patient and kind, but after that I began to be a bit careful. I can't even get my damned groceries anymore.”