Op-Ed: America Is Out of It’s Gourd

(A guest editorial by Mr. M. Headroom.)

I’d like to address the growing t-t-trend of pumpkin obsession that has swept the nation.

What is it about these orange orbs that has Americans so enthralled? Is it the so-called “magic” of carving jack-o’-lanterns? Is it the yummy g-g-goodness of pumpkin pie? Or is it the sheer amount of pumpkin-spice products available?

Well, I’m here to tell you that this pumpkin mania is nothing more than a sham. Pumpkins are just a cheap excuse for fat Americans to once again engage in overindulgence and gluttony. They’re wasting their time and money on a fly-by-night fruit that’s about as useful as the cucumber’s chauffeur.

They’re still o-o-orange, guys.

I mean, what the heck do you do with a pumpkin once Halloween is over-r-r? Stick it in the compost heap and call it a day?

No, pumpkins are either r-r-rotting in the ground or sitting on some poor schmuck’s porch, staring out at the world with their creepy, hollowed-out faces.

It’s enough to give a guy nightmares.

So, my advice to all you pumpkin lovers out there is to wise up and s-s-smell the sewage! Pumpkins are a passing f-f-fad, a seasonal cold that will soon be purged by the body of society. They’re not magic. And they sure as heck aren’t worth the hype!

So, I say it’s time to put down the knives, the saws, and the cans of spray paint. It’s time to embrace a new-new-new obsession, something that will last a lifetime: how about we start worshiping c-c-carrots?

At least they’re good for your eyes-s-sight.