Op-Ed: A Very Wheel Problem

As you’re now doubt aware there is a new invention sweeping our land. An invention that threatens to alter the very fiber of everything we hold dear about our society.

This innovation goes by the name of “the wheel.”

My great grandfather was a runner. My father was a runner. I am a runner. I’ve dedicated my life to the art of running around, transporting goods and people across vast distances. And now my son’s future as a runner, like his old man, is in serious danger.

Firstly, let me explain why the wheel is such a dangerous idea.

For centuries, our people have relied on the tried and true method of carrying heavy loads on our backs and shoulders while running at full speed. This well-crafted system has allowed us to maintain strong, healthy bodies while also fostering a sense of community and camaraderie among those who work together to move these burdens.

The introduction of “the wheel”, however, inflicts a risk of losing all of these benefits.

Instead of working together as a team, “the wheel” encourages individuals to sit idly while a single person operates the contraption. This not only discourages physical fitness but also promotes laziness and a lack of social interaction. Furthermore, the wheel requires less effort to operate than traditional methods, which means that fewer people will be needed to perform tasks that once required the strength and dedication of many. Hundreds of us may be out of work by this time next year.

Moreover, the wheel poses a significant threat to the environment.

By reducing the number of people needed for transportation, we will almost certainly observe a decline in population growth, leading to a decrease in the overall demand for food and resources. This downward spiral could result in a scarcity of essential goods and services, ultimately causing widespread suffering and chaos throughout the land.

Additionally, the wheel has the potential to disrupt our established social order. As more and more people become reliant on this new technology, they may lose their skills in other areas, not just running, but such skills such as irrigation and agriculture. This could lead to a decline in the quality of goods produced and a weakening of our economy, and the collapse of our entire civilization.

Lastly, the wheel is simply unattractive. Its plain circular shape makes it an eyesore compared to the ‘gun show’ I have on display while transporting goods; a runner’s body type that has been the pride of our people for generations.

So, please, let us not encourage this circular threat. Say “wheel see you later” to anyone rolling one of these things out in public.