Op-Ed

As you're now doubt aware there is a new invention sweeping our land. An invention that threatens to alter the very fiber of everything we hold dear about our society. This innovation goes by the name of "the wheel." My great grandfather was a runner. My father was a runner. I am a runner. I've dedicated my life to the art of running around, transporting goods and people across vast distances. And now my son's future as a runner, like his old man, is in serious danger.Firstly, let me explain why the wheel is such a dangerous idea. For centuries, our people have relied on the tried and true method of carrying heavy loads on our backs and shoulders while running at full speed. This well-crafted system has allowed us to maintain strong, healthy bodies while also fostering a s...

The following is an op-ed written by Tristan G., Age 5 exclusively for The Criswell Mirror. "I'm so tired." Why do we exist? That's what I wonder all the time. We get up in the morning and eat breakfast and go to school or play or whatever. But why are we doing it? What's the point of everything? Sometimes, I just feel so bored with life. It's like we're going through the motions without really knowing why we're doing any of it. I know some people say that we exist to have fun and enjoy ourselves, but even that gets old after a while. Like, we play games and go on rides at the amusement park, but then we leave and it's like nothing ever happened. It's just more of the same, day after day. I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe it's because I'm only five and I don't understand...

Now, I like ice cream as much as the next guy, but let's face it, it's a b-b-bit bland, dontchathink? That's why we need toppings. But why stop at the same old boring toppings? Why not go c-c-crazy? Why not sprinkle some anchovies on top of your ice cream? Or how about some p-p-pickled onions? Perhaps a dash of worsh-worsh-worsh-worsh-- (??) -- Worcestershire sauce? If you're feeling adventurous, why not try some mashed potatoes on top? It's like a sundae and a side dish all in one! Look, I'm not saying you should put motor oil or battery acid on your ice cream, but why limit yourself to chocolate syrup and whipped cream? Why not throw caution to the wind and get creative? After all, life is short, and ice cream is a luxury. So why not make the most of it? Why not ...

(A guest editorial by Mr. M. Headroom.) I’d like to address the growing t-t-trend of pumpkin obsession that has swept the nation. What is it about these orange orbs that has Americans so enthralled? Is it the so-called "magic" of carving jack-o’-lanterns? Is it the yummy g-g-goodness of pumpkin pie? Or is it the sheer amount of pumpkin-spice products available? Well, I’m here to tell you that this pumpkin mania is nothing more than a sham. Pumpkins are just a cheap excuse for fat Americans to once again engage in overindulgence and gluttony. They’re wasting their time and money on a fly-by-night fruit that’s about as useful as the cucumber’s chauffeur. They're still o-o-orange, guys. I mean, what the heck do you do with a pumpkin once Halloween is over-r-r? Stick it in...

A Criswell Mirror GUEST EDITORIALby Victor Feck (aka “Vic Vapors”, aka “The Sesh”) Brave buzz-harshed local boy seeking justice. So when I was minding my own business at a local college bar last week, enjoying a nice vape session with my buds, the last thing I expected was to have my brand new Voopoo Drag 4 stolen out from under my face by a cop. But that's exactly what happened! As I was taking a hit, one of our fine local law enforcement officers walked by and saw me. He must have thought I was some kind of total criminal badass, or something, because he straight-up leaped at me like he was John Wick and snatched the vape out of my hands, did a tumble roll, and ran away with it. Whaaat?? At first, I was in shock, right? How could this happen? I was just enjoying a little vap...