Author: Criswell

Op-Ed: A Very Wheel Problem
Op-Ed

Op-Ed: A Very Wheel Problem

As you're now doubt aware there is a new invention sweeping our land. An invention that threatens to alter the very fiber of everything we hold dear about our society. This innovation goes by the name of "the wheel." My great grandfather was a runner. My father was a runner. I am a runner. I've dedicated my life to the art of running around, transporting goods and people across vast distances. And now my son's future as a runner, like his old man, is in serious danger.Firstly, let me explain why the wheel is such a dangerous idea. For centuries, our people have relied on the tried and true method of carrying heavy loads on our backs and shoulders while running at full speed. This well-crafted system has allowed us to maintain strong, healthy bodies while also fostering a s...
AD: DIE HARD for the Holidays
Paid Ads

AD: DIE HARD for the Holidays

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Review: Jazz Jackrabbit (1994)
Reviews

Review: Jazz Jackrabbit (1994)

Jazz Jackrabbit is a prime example of how Epic MegaGames, the creators behind this atrocious game, should have stuck to making solid Unreal Engine games rather than churning out D-grade PC garbage (along side tripe such as Skunny Kart and Ken's Labyrinth). Let me make this clear; Jazz Jackrabbit is a disgrace to the gaming industry and should be avoided at all costs. The gameplay is abhorrent, bordering on incoherent. The character animations are stiff and jarring, making every movement feel unnatural and awkward. Jumping feels like jumping through jello, with an absurdly high float time that ruins any semblance of momentum or control. Moving at higher speeds turns the game into a slideshow, with everything moving in slow motion as Jazz Jackrabbit lurches about with all the gra...
Middlesex County Hand-Job Program Pricing Update Released
PSA, Politics

Middlesex County Hand-Job Program Pricing Update Released

As we all know, the Middlesex County Hand-Job Program has been a game-changer for the county. Since its inception, this program has provided essential hand-job services to those in need, free of charge. However, as the demand for these services continues to grow, we have realized that we must adapt and update our pricing plan to ensure the sustainability and success of the program.After careful consideration and consultation with industry experts, we are proud to introduce our new pricing plan for the Middlesex County Hand-Job Program. Our updated pricing structure aims to strike a balance between affordability and accessibility while ensuring the long-term viability of the program.Under the new pricing plan, eligible individuals will now be charged a nominal fee of $20 per sessio...
Point/CounterPoint: Extinguishing the Sun
Point/CounterPoint

Point/CounterPoint: Extinguishing the Sun

Point Dr. Gopal HarishReiki Researcher There are many arguments in favor of extinguishing the sun, which would be a drastic but incredibly necessary measure to save the planet from ecological disaster. Here is a sampling of them: The sun's radiation is responsible for climate change and global warming, which is causing devastating effects on Earth's environment, including rising sea levels, more frequent natural disasters, and extinction of countless species. Extinguishing the sun would eliminate this threat altogether. By extinguishing the sun, we could also prevent future asteroid strikes that might endanger our planet. The sun is currently a gravitational center that attracts rocks from outer space, one of which could potentially hit Earth and cause catastrophic dam...
Op-Ed: What’s the Point?
Op-Ed

Op-Ed: What’s the Point?

The following is an op-ed written by Tristan G., Age 5 exclusively for The Criswell Mirror. "I'm so tired." Why do we exist? That's what I wonder all the time. We get up in the morning and eat breakfast and go to school or play or whatever. But why are we doing it? What's the point of everything? Sometimes, I just feel so bored with life. It's like we're going through the motions without really knowing why we're doing any of it. I know some people say that we exist to have fun and enjoy ourselves, but even that gets old after a while. Like, we play games and go on rides at the amusement park, but then we leave and it's like nothing ever happened. It's just more of the same, day after day. I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe it's because I'm only five and I don't understand...
Review: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Gowron (1982)
History, Reviews

Review: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Gowron (1982)

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Gowron is a 1982 science fiction film directed by Nicholas Meyer, based on the 1967 Star Trek TV episode Space Seed. The film follows the aging crew of the USS Enterprise as they investigate a distress signal coming from a nearby planet, only to find the planet's inhabitants have been taken over by a genetically engineered super-race called... The Klingons! The Enterprise crew must then fight to stop the Klingons from destroying the planet and taking over the galaxy. Robert O'Reilly as the titular Chancellor Gowron completely overshadowing his aging, increasingly irrelevant cast mates. The film features a powerful performance from actor Robert O'Reilly as the titular Chancellor Gowron, a ruthless and cunning villain who seeks revenge against the Enter...
Op-Ed: Top Topper Picks
Op-Ed

Op-Ed: Top Topper Picks

Now, I like ice cream as much as the next guy, but let's face it, it's a b-b-bit bland, dontchathink? That's why we need toppings. But why stop at the same old boring toppings? Why not go c-c-crazy? Why not sprinkle some anchovies on top of your ice cream? Or how about some p-p-pickled onions? Perhaps a dash of worsh-worsh-worsh-worsh-- (??) -- Worcestershire sauce? If you're feeling adventurous, why not try some mashed potatoes on top? It's like a sundae and a side dish all in one! Look, I'm not saying you should put motor oil or battery acid on your ice cream, but why limit yourself to chocolate syrup and whipped cream? Why not throw caution to the wind and get creative? After all, life is short, and ice cream is a luxury. So why not make the most of it? Why not ...
EMERGENCY ACTION NOTICE 93-B/EYES
Hot Goss

EMERGENCY ACTION NOTICE 93-B/EYES

HALT - **DO NOT POST** HOLD FOR CONFIRMATION AS PER DOD L4:REDACT PROTOCOL -------------- This message is intended for your eyes only. Do not share this information with the general public, including family members or friends. This is of the utmost importance. A Level 1 EAN global action alert has been activated concerning a potential threat to national and international security. We have received credible intelligence from multiple confirmed sources that foreign invasion originating outside our planet is imminent. While we cannot divulge the specific details of our sources, we can assure you that this information is reliable. The entities are expected to arrive within the next 24 hours. Their exact location, capabilities, and intentions are unknown at this time, but we ar...
Op-Ed: America Is Out of It’s Gourd
Op-Ed

Op-Ed: America Is Out of It’s Gourd

(A guest editorial by Mr. M. Headroom.) I’d like to address the growing t-t-trend of pumpkin obsession that has swept the nation. What is it about these orange orbs that has Americans so enthralled? Is it the so-called "magic" of carving jack-o’-lanterns? Is it the yummy g-g-goodness of pumpkin pie? Or is it the sheer amount of pumpkin-spice products available? Well, I’m here to tell you that this pumpkin mania is nothing more than a sham. Pumpkins are just a cheap excuse for fat Americans to once again engage in overindulgence and gluttony. They’re wasting their time and money on a fly-by-night fruit that’s about as useful as the cucumber’s chauffeur. They're still o-o-orange, guys. I mean, what the heck do you do with a pumpkin once Halloween is over-r-r? Stick it in...