Op-Ed: Top Topper Picks

Now, I like ice cream as much as the next guy, but let’s face it, it’s a b-b-bit bland, dontchathink? That’s why we need toppings.

But why stop at the same old boring toppings? Why not go c-c-crazy? Why not sprinkle some anchovies on top of your ice cream?

Or how about some p-p-pickled onions?

Perhaps a dash of worsh-worsh-worsh-worsh-– (??) — Worcestershire sauce?

If you’re feeling adventurous, why not try some mashed potatoes on top? It’s like a sundae and a side dish all in one!

Look, I’m not saying you should put motor oil or battery acid on your ice cream, but why limit yourself to chocolate syrup and whipped cream? Why not throw caution to the wind and get creative?

After all, life is short, and ice cream is a luxury. So why not make the most of it? Why not t-t-top your ice cream with something that really makes a statement? Like nails. Or knives. Or a loaded gun.

Yeah, that’s the spirit! Think outside the box! And remember, if you’re ever feeling depressed or anxious, just pop some ice cream in the microwave and w-w-watch it explode! It’s a guaranteed pick-me-up!

So go forth, my fellow ice cream lovers, and embrace the chaos. And if anyone gives you a funny look for putting tire chains on your ice cream, just tell them it’s a new trend. A very d-d-dangerous trend. But hey, it’s worth it for that great metallic taste.