Op-Ed: America Is Out of It’s Gourd
(A guest editorial by Mr. M. Headroom.)
I’d like to address the growing t-t-trend of pumpkin obsession that has swept the nation.
What is it about these orange orbs that has Americans so enthralled? Is it the so-called "magic" of carving jack-o’-lanterns? Is it the yummy g-g-goodness of pumpkin pie? Or is it the sheer amount of pumpkin-spice products available?
Well, I’m here to tell you that this pumpkin mania is nothing more than a sham. Pumpkins are just a cheap excuse for fat Americans to once again engage in overindulgence and gluttony. They’re wasting their time and money on a fly-by-night fruit that’s about as useful as the cucumber’s chauffeur.
They're still o-o-orange, guys.
I mean, what the heck do you do with a pumpkin once Halloween is over-r-r? Stick it in...