Hot Goss – The Criswell Mirror

11 Minute Cannes Standing Ovation Receives It’s Own, 20 Minute Standing Ovation

14Jun By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss, Media

11 Minute Cannes Standing Ovation Receives It’s Own, 20 Minute Standing Ovation

CANNES, FRANCE - In an unprecedented display of cinematic passion and smugness, a film's 11-minute standing ovation received its own, distinct 20-minute standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival yesterday. The initial 11-minute ovation began when the credits rolled on a particularly poignant scene in the French art-house drama "The Inert Gasses of Marcel." As the camera panned out to reveal the stunning Parisian skyline as it faded to black, the packed audience erupted into applause and cheers, with some attendees rising from their seats to show their appreciation for the film's nuanced exploration of chemically-induced existential ennui. Quite pleased with themselves, and emotionally shaken by their own display, the audience began to reward it's loving applause with a s...

29May By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

EMERGENCY ACTION NOTICE 93-B/EYES

HALT - **DO NOT POST** HOLD FOR CONFIRMATION AS PER DOD L4:REDACT PROTOCOL -------------- This message is intended for your eyes only. Do not share this information with the general public, including family members or friends. This is of the utmost importance. A Level 1 EAN global action alert has been activated concerning a potential threat to national and international security. We have received credible intelligence from multiple confirmed sources that foreign invasion originating outside our planet is imminent. While we cannot divulge the specific details of our sources, we can assure you that this information is reliable. The entities are expected to arrive within the next 24 hours. Their exact location, capabilities, and intentions are unknown at this time, but we ar...

22May By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

This Rookie Wookie Won’t Play Hookie

Bring a comb, Wrayyda! HAIRY! A new student from a galaxy far, far away has joined the ranks of human schoolchildren, but this one is not like the others. Meet Wrayyda, a 6-year-old Wookiee child who just started school in Chicago this month. The little one has big problems adjusting to her new surroundings. Wrayyda, who is trying to be the first Wookie to speak Basic, is having trouble communicating with her classmates. She can't help but shed her fur everywhere, too, which has caused quite a mess in the classroom. And, on top of that, she's much stronger than the other kids, causing chaos when she gets excited or angry. The 5'11" child, who can bench press a small Yugo, has already been banned from most sports during gym."It's like having a wild animal in the classroom," s...

1May By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

Bob Hope Back From the Dead

HOPELESS! Bob Hope, the legendary comedian and actor, who had formerly passed away in 2003, has now been brought back to life by the Internal Revenue Service after failing to pay taxes. According to sources close to the situation, the IRS was not satisfied with Hope's failed attempts to settle his back taxes before his journey to the afterlife, so they worked with federal mages to raise him from the dead to face justice. When asked for comment, an IRS spokesperson stated that "Mr. Hope's failure to pay his fair share of taxes is unacceptable, and we will not let this go unpunished. Death is no longer a barrier to justice." The spokesperson went on to say that "the resurrection of Bob Hope is just the beginning of our efforts to hold accountable those who fail to meet their ta...

28Apr By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

Eminem: Franklin InFATuates!

Eminem with "Fat Stacks", his nickname for the founding father. POOR RICHARD! In the latest round of outrageous celebrity rumors, it has been alleged that famed rapper Eminem is obsessed with Benjamin Franklin’s fat rolls. The allegations surfaced when an anonymous source close to Eminem revealed that he had been secretly collecting images of the 18th-century statesman and his rotund physique for several years. The source claims that Eminem often spends hours poring over photos of Franklin, focusing intently on the excess folds of skin around his stomach, chest, and neck. According to the source, the rapper often mutters under his breath “Damn, those are some fine looking rolls” while examining the pictures. For now, Eminem has declined to comment on the rumors surrounding his...

23Apr By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

Get the heck Gout of Here!

Wilfred's taking his miracle cure to the grave. LET IT ALL OUT! Wilfred Brimley, well-known actor, oatmeal shill, and spokesperson for diabeetus, has recently revealed how he cured himself of gout -- a painful form of arthritis affecting the joints in the feet. According to Wilfred, the secret lies in a family secret: a homeopathic remedy consisting of a mixture of ground ginger root, honey, and 100% pure apple cider vinegar. According to Wilfred, "This stuff is the bomb! It's cheap and easy to make, and it works like a charm! I'll take that recipe of ground ginger root, honey, and 100% pure apple cider vinegar to my grave!"

15Apr By CriswellNo Comments

Hot Goss

Stop Tickling the Morgan

PRICKLY! In 1986, former MASH TV actor Harry Morgan had a bad experience at his local grocery store when he encountered a fan who addressed him laughing loudly "HEY, IT'S HAIRY ORGAN!" The comment was made in a joking manner but it violently angered Mr. Morgan who quickly snapped back, "That's enough of that! You can be nice or you can be gone!! My name is not Hairy Organ! What the hell is wrong with you?" After this incident, the actor became much more cautious about dealing with fans. He later said, “I used to be very patient and kind, but after that I began to be a bit careful. I can't even get my damned groceries anymore.”

11Apr By CriswellNo Comments

History, Hot Goss

Jaffeets of Talent

PERHAPS THIS HAPPENED? AlJaffee was required to perform a demeaning task in order to be hired by Mad Magazine. He was instructed to take off his shoes and socks and rub his feet on a grindstone before being allowed to join the staff. This was to ensure that he was “ground down” and willing to work hard for little pay. The task was symbolic of the low-paying, high-stress jobs available to aspiring cartoonists at the time. It is also thought to have been a test of Jaffee's dedication to his art.

10Apr By CriswellNo Comments

History, Hot Goss

Sauce: The Final Frontier!

Majel and her magical balls. COULD IT BE TRUE? According to legend, in 1968, Star Trek's Majel Barrett and Grace Lee Whitney got into a heated argument on-set while on their lunch break together. The subject of the argument was allegedly Barrett's spaghetti and meatballs recipe; both women claimed credit for the dish present in the fridge, leading to a heated exchange that escalated to the point of making national headlines! Ultimately, the public sided with Barrett as the originator of the dish. She went on to become an acclaimed actress, director, and producer in Hollywood. Meanwhile, Whitney's career seemed to suffer from the controversy, as she struggled to find work in the wake of the scandal. Her career never recovered. Despite this, Whitney continued to claim credit ...